The year so far has started out great. New Year's Eve was celebrated with my best friend, Mackenzie and Luke and also my sister and her hubby. We went to El Rodeo for dinner and that was a blast. Later we went to the Neon Cactus in Lafayette. We ended up staying at a shithole hotel but it was great because our rooms were connected to Mack and Luke's room. I swear it looked like a scene out of vacancy though. I felt really close to them both that night. It was a really great start to a new year that I am really looking forward to.

Then Friday night, we had Joe, Benoit and Alysia over for dinner. Richard and I made homemade pizzas. We had a great time with them. We have some of the best friends ever.

Saturday, we went to the Bodies Exhibit with Benoit, Alysia, Shazia and Baker. It was morbid...but interesting. After reading more about the controversy surrounding the exhibit I felt a little guilty about going to it. After seeing hanging flesh that looked like beef jerky, most of us were pretty hungry (j/k) and we went to Weber Grill for a fantastic dinner. Then we ended the night by seeing "The Reader" and let me tell you, that was one of the best movies I have seen in months. It was suspenseful, but not in a thriller way. It was touching. It was a beautiful story and very well done. I am going to read the book soon.

Back at work yesterday after a 2 week "break". Good to be back...and gotta get back to it. Will write more later.

So, I didn't post yesterday and I meant to. So far, the only major thing to report regarding my Arbonne detox is that I feel lethargic and achy. As far as the bathroom goes....not a drastic change, though I seem to have to "go" more frequently. Tomorrow is day 4. We'll see....
 

Okay, so this blog is about to get disgustingly personal. If you think you will be completely turned off and can't handle it, heed this warning and STOP READING NOW! However, if you have the balls of a big ass bull, you may continue.

So, now that the disclaimer is out of the way. I started taking the Arbonne 7 Day Detox treatment today. First of all, I sell Arbonne on the side, so that is why I chose the product. That in addition to the fact that it claims to be a much gentler cleanse and it is completely natural. I also know two individuals who have done the detox (one who sells it and one who doesn't) and they both raved about the results.

Why did I decide to do this? Let me list thy reasons:

1. Depression
2. Fatigue
3. Bloating
4. Personal Bathroom Issues, hehe
5. My doctor has been asking me to for years

Yes, she recommended this a few years ago. She said it would be great for my body, considering some of the health issues I face. So, I had the stuff, wanted to try it anyway and now that I got the doc's approval, I just finished my first glass of the day. It's not horrible. Smells weird and tastes a bit odd, but its not horrible.

You basically have 7 vials and you mix 1 vial with 32 ounces of water and drink it about 8 ounces at a time, taking your time throughout the day. In between drinking the detox water, you want to drink 8 ounces of regular water.

My understanding is that this will make me pretty tired and possibly even flu-like for a few days before giving me a great energy burst. We'll see, but I am willing to try anything to feel better.

As for the cysts, I more than likely have another one. Doc wants me to wait out this cycle and if the pain hasn't subsided, we are going to do an ultrasound, just to be on the safe side. She said the best thing that could happen is for it to rupture on its own or slowly fade away. She said if it ruptures its can hurt like hell (her words) and I will be doubled over in pain for a day or so. But, she said, then I will feel better. That doesn't sound like the best thing to me, but I trust her for some odd reason. Possibly because she has known me for 10 years, I tend to be a slight hypochondriac, and she delivered my baby, naturally, to my delight!

So anyway, if it doesn't rupture, guess what? They can do it for me, but that means an incision in my side. Okay, maybe rupturing on its own is starting to sound like a better idea.

Anyway, I intend to chronicle my Arbonne Detox experience in case anyone is interested in doing something similar. Even though I sell the products, trust me when I say I will be honest about the treatment. I don't believe in misleading anyone. In fact, that is why I refuse to sell the makeup to a friend with sensitive skin. Their mineral makeup includes bismuth oxychloride. An ingredient that is known to cause skin irritations.

So, in other words, expect brutal honesty as always from moi. It might be a disgusting read for a few days.

Oh, the greatest news also is that I spoke to my boss and he is willing to let me work from home until early January. Which is great. No reason for me to ever be in the office anyway. I took today off though, because I wanted to relax and do this detox right.

Let the pooping begin! :) 

So I watched a movie the other day called L.I.E. It had Paul Dano in it, who I think is just awesome anyway. The story was kinda hard to watch. It touched on pedophilia but the movie wasn't about pedophilia. In fact, as you watched the movie, you realized that the pedophile was one of the only "nice" people in the movie. I think that's why it was hard to watch. It forced you to look at someone in a different light, but they were very good at reminding you how horrible this person was at the same time. I'd highly recommend it.

I am a little down today. Typical for me these days I guess. The pain I had back in October has come back to haunt me. For those that don't know, I had an ovarian cyst. It ended up going away on its own, but not before causing a lot of pain.

Well, its back and I am positive it feels the same. Not looking forward to weeks of more ultrasounds, tests, etc.

On top of that, my best friend feels let down because I am ditching her for lunch tomorrow to go to my doctor's appointment. She doesn't seem to understand the state of my health, emotionally or physically and coming to that realization made me pretty sad.

Anyway, whatever, right? Tomorrow brings a new day.

I am discovering new people, new souls. I am hoping to meet people I can connect with but not feel tied down to. Does that make sense? I want to venture out, open my mind even more...and just hope to meet others who can be the same but different nonetheless. 

She was feeling the yuletide burn
Cause her family was wearing on her nerves
She was tired of fighting and feeling frustrated
Finding it hard to relate to those of whom she was related

You know we all sometimes say things we don't mean
But that don't mean that we're not still family

Generation to generation it gets passed on
And then one day those who were passing while they passed on
Holding back the covers, her heart would start to shudder
when she realized just how deep it all went
Tried to forget what we said but was never really meant

Girl you know we all sometimes say things we don't mean
But that don't mean that we're not still family

Pull out of the shadows and find that eventually it's all bad it's all good baby can't you see
That we are what we are and what we are is still family

I was there from the moment that you were born
And I've loved you since I heard your first cries
And I know we won't always be getting along
But I promise you that I will always try

You know we all sometimes say things we don't mean
But that don't mean that we're not still family

Dreamers
Savage Grace
Beautiful Ohio
Dreaming of Joseph Lees

I don't know why, but all of these movies seem to have undertones of incest, but they also happen to be the four trailers I watched today that looked interesting.

So a lot has happened in the last few days. The last time I wrote about "him", it was all positive. Well, I heard from "her" and guess what? She isn't interested in patching things up "right now". She finds it "impossible" to pick up our friendship where it was left off, because of what I "did". Well, what the hell did I do? I had a baby and then my best friends abandoned me....hmmm...I just don't get it.

I did see the doc Tuesday night. It was interesting. He still looks like Yoda but oddly, he talked more than I expected. Last time, we talked. This time, he talked and I nodded, amazed at how right on he was about me. Then I wondered if psychoanalysts are like psychics...you know, how they pick up on the most common thing and say things that seem profound but if you look closely, you find a thread that ties everyone together and realize, hey, you could pretend to be a pyschic too?

No, but I did feel good to vent and let out my feelings. As I talked to him I realized the following three things:

1. I am addicted to Ambien. Seriously. I can't stop taking it and I want to, but I think I am actually physically dependent on it.
2. I love my husband and he has been good to me. What's strange is, he has been better since that awful night and I have been unable to forgive, despite how freaking awesome he is to me and our daughter.
3. I am scared of losing people I love, so I build up walls. God, I have heard that a lot and I would usually roll my eyes at that, but wow. I actually get it now. I am scared of losing people I love. Because I finally lost someone I loved. Now I have more to lose than ever. My husband, my child, my close friend Mackenzie. I don't want to go through losing anyone again.

Good news is, I already realized some pretty big things in one session. It can only get clearer right??

God, I sound so freaking depressed...ugh.

I keep alienating people. I don't know what it is or why its gotten so easy, but lately I have been on the offensive and it's been getting pretty ugly.

Oddly, he picked up the phone tonight. I haven't seen him in over a year. I haven't seen them in over a year. I was shocked when it wasn't the voicemail. All I could utter was, I miss you guys and instantly burst into tears that have been bottled up for some time.

I've tried to get over it. In fact about 4 months ago, I wrote a really nasty email and said goodbye. Have I mentioned I have known him for over 10 years and he was my best friend?? I only "wrote them off" because I was tired of being rejected. I had too much of an ego to continue to deal with it. I felt pathetic.

But, I couldn't get over it. I've tried randomly, like a psychotic stalker to get back in touch with them. To apologize for the blades that were my words. It's been over a year.

He said it was okay tonight. He said he understood. He said he loved me and missed me. I just want to know how I can get her to hear me out. I just want to know how to bring some closure to it all and get back to who we were. All I really would like for Christmas this year, is my dear friends back. I mean that with all my heart.

This week mark's my second attempt at getting someone to pyschoanalyze me. It should be more than interesting. What sparked me to call to schedule an appointment has since faded into a vague dream, but there is so much underlying still.

There's no turning back Tuesday. Well, I could always just miss my next appointment. I honestly hope I get something out of this.

The number of pills I am taking nightly is just really starting to annoy me. Tonight was the typical concoction of birth control, sleeping pills and antidepressants.

So, I had a very disappointing conversation with my sweet mom this morning. Scratch that, I had an argument with my mother this morning. No, still not right...I went off on my crazy mother this morning!!

You know since I was a child, we've all done this huge gift giving exchange and it's always been a major burden. What's worse is, because we feel obligated to buy gifts we don't put a lot of thought into them, besides, how much can we spend and did we get anyone else something better than so and so. It really sucks. A few years ago, I suggested we draw names (this is usually for a party of like 14 people) and my parents shot it down and thought I was being cold and heartless.

This year at Thanksgiving, my cousin's wife suggests it. And we all think, hey we are adults and we can do this now. So, we decided amongst the cousins that this is what we were going to do and by the end of the night we drew names and announced our decision. I announced it. And yeah, I was a little scared of the parental backlash, but surprisingly it didn't come. I should have known better.

This morning, the backlash hit me more like an avalanche of bricks. My mom simply asked whose idea it was and before I knew it, we were arguing about how my parents try to control everything we do. They were disappointed that we decided not to buy each and every person a gift, despite the fact that everyone else was relieved.

I just don't get it. I can't begin to understand them. We all want to just get together for good company and a nice dinner. They feel like we have to prove something. Who is being the bigger adult here??

I am in a style rut. Bored with my look…the hair, the makeup, the overall style. On top of it, about two months ago, I lost 9 pounds in 2.5 weeks and guess what, I put it all back on!! Now, I just told myself, “I am going to get back on a diet” and then ten minutes later I find myself at the vending machine buying Reese’s peanut butter cups….king size Reese’s peanut butter cups. Yeah, a diet, right…

So tonight, I go to get my hair cut. I can tell you this…it’s going to be drastic. Anytime I go to get my haircut, I have a safe zone. I always bring a photo and I love the style on the person in the photo, but I always modify it for myself. I am always scared to do exactly what I see…so instead I give directions that bring me into my safe zone. Well, I spent the last week trying to figure out what I was going to do to my hair and I finally picked a cut…and tonight, there is no safe zone.

I know I am going to shock a few people. I am excited but nervous at the same time. I have never cut my hair this short before. And once its gone, its gone. Not only will it look very short, but I will feel very naked. My hair has always kind of been a security blanket…something to hide beneath. After tonight, there is no hiding.

I think it might be liberating. I like to push the envelope on my hair, I just never pushed it this far. I like to defy expectations of others, but I still need some acceptance. Okay, this sounds so dramatic but it is my hair…pretty big deal.

God, the title of this entry sounds like an elementary school paper. My Best Friend by some person who writes anonymously…or semi-anonymously.

Anyway, yeah, I have the greatest girlfriend in the world. If you knew me a year ago, you would know I really didn’t have anyone who I truly felt was a friend. Meme changed that. She rocks. I love her so much and one of the biggest reasons I love her is that she isn’t afraid to slap me with a dose of reality and tell me I am wrong. That’s when you know someone is a true friend.

I have a lot of friends and good ones at that, don’t get me wrong. But she is different. She knows me in and out, ugly and beautiful. She knows me…raw and she accepts me just the same.

I’m lucky.

Spilled my blood to my best friend the other day. Opened up every nasty wound for her to gawk at…a train wreck. Every scar on display. The fear, the doubt and most of all the complete confusion and chaos.

Confusion has landed softly on my brain before and when it has, usually within a few moments, I can shake it right off. This is a different breed of confusion. The kind that crashes instead of lands and therefore roots itself deep. The kind that has spread from my brain to contaminate my heart. This is the kind of confusion most people cannot even begin to fathom.

Is it possible to feel the way I do? Of course it is. Is it right? Of course it isn’t. Well, do something about it. That’s the easiest thing to say to someone in my predicament. But, as they say, easier said than done. What can I do? I have no idea.

this world was never solid ground
all i do is search for you
what else can i do
and when i say i search for you
i mean i search for peace
i search for hope
i search for love
and one day for release

who can say it is impossible
when one road is taken
another left behind
who can say the road no longer exists

what lies behind will always lie ahead
what dreams are dreamt, remain in memory
what hearts have danced, one longs for still

intoxicated with autumn kisses
breezes bring back haunting memories
of a season long ago, not forgotten still

in time it lessens, so they say
fades and wears thin
time has proven it all wrong
the brief glimpse reminds us

to dare could be to lose
but to not risk the chance
could mean death

the silence lies waiting
the mystery unknown
never to be revealed
always to remain